After this week’s announcement that Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour is not particularly fussed about freedom of movement, we at Islington Echo have compiled a list of all the reasons why this particular mud puddle called Britain is so special and people from other mud puddles, like the ones called France and Italy and Portugal, shouldn’t be allowed to join our mud puddle.
- Our Mud Puddle is called Britain. Not France or Germany or Spain or Poland or Africa or whatever.
- People who are born in our Mud Puddle are called British. They are not called Polish or Spanish or Germanish. It can’t just be coincidence that ALL the people born on Britain are called British, now, can it? It must be fate. You mustn’t mess with fate by letting non British people onto our mud puddle.
- Our Mud Puddle is surrounded by water. This is especially impressive when you realise that most of our mud puddle is made out of a mix of mud and water. How is the mud water and the water water not just combining and making the whole of Britain under water? Well, that’s just the special truth about Britain.
- The Britain Mud Puddle drinks a lot of tea, which is a bit like a mud puddle contained in a cup. We got this tea from a different mud puddle that we used to own, so it still counts as belonging to our Mud Puddle. Other mud puddles don’t understand.
- Our Mud Puddle used to own most of the other Mud Puddles. This is because British people have better accents than everyone else and also guns. All those other Mud Puddles are kinda angry at us now because we took lots of the best bits from them and so we can’t let them in in case they want them back.
- All the other Mud Puddles always want our help, even when they don’t ask for it. We always have to clean up the other Mud Puddle messes and take all the most valuable mud back to our Mud Puddle. It’s called Diplomacy and we’re the best at it. If they could just sort out their own Mud Puddle then they wouldn’t even need to come to our Mud Puddle.
- Our Mud Puddle speaks the language of English and most of the best TV is in this language. Friends? Sherlock?
The Killing?Jeremy Kyle?
- There is jobs on this Mud Puddle and I want these jobs more than the people who are good at jobs on other Mud Puddles.
- This Mud Puddle has culture that respects all peoples equally regardless of anything except how much shiny metal you have. You are better if you have more shiny metal, obviously. Although, the colour of your outer casing and whether or not you have a willy has a bit of an effect. And whether or not you like willies. That matters a bit too. Not as much as in those other Mud Puddles, though. It matters way more in those other Mud Puddles. I think.
- Our Mud Puddle has decided on some rules from our good God Mr Christianity. He wrote a book and it was old and we only pay attention to the correct bits of it. Unlike other people in other Mud Puddles. They have some rules from their good God Mr Something Else who wrote an old book. Unlike us, they don’t pay attention to the correct bits and only care about the incorrect bits which is why not all of their shops are closed on a Sunday.
- Some blokes with bayonets a few hundred years ago or whatever decided that this Mud Puddle was this one and therefore not that one. You should always respect your elders and these guys are like suuuuper dead and old, so definitely need respect.