It is understood by The Islington Echo that failed Labour Leadership candidate, Owen Smith, is seeking advice from fellow Welshman, The GoCompare Man, on a number of issues, including how to return when nobody wants you.
In leaked transcripts, The GoCompare Man suggests that Owen Smith forget trying to insist that people call him his actual name and learn to accept being referred to only as “that bloke” or “the one who lost against Corbyn” or “the one who wasn’t Corbyn” or “oh him? Didn’t he say something sexist once, or something?”
Owen Smith and The GoCompare Man have been lifelong friends after going to school together in LlandofGoGoGoCompareAndSavingMoneyth. Gross unpopularity have meant the two have found the small Welsh village is the only place they are not abused in the street.
The GoCompare Man also remarked on the irony of Owen Smith’s situation, saying, “It’s kind of strange when you think about it, love. I spend my whole life telling people to compare all the options and it turns out that in this circumstance you were woefully inadequate in comparison. Kinda funny.”
The GoCompare man’s final piece of advice was to just “fuck off for about eighteen months, until the hate tweets die down. Then who knows? You might re-emerge as Shadow Minister on Sewage.”