Sir Philip Green has finally unveiled his next business venture; a discount store to rival Poundland. Rumoured to be the shittest pound shop in the UK, it will sell once thriving business ventures, pension debt and Philip Green’s self-decency.
We spoke to one of the shop’s first customers, Lyla Janning of Caledonian Road and a former BHS employee. She shared her experience: “Oh it was marvellous. Simply marvellous. I bought all of Philip Green’s tax contributions for the last five years – only a pound! Then I bought a year’s wages for a Topshop manufacturer in Bangladesh – only a pound! I was also able to buy back my pension because apparently now that’s only worth a pound!”
The Sir Philip Green Pound Shop is going to be appearing in a town near you very soon. It’s promising to sweep its way into every high street in Britain, trailblazing destruction, redundancies and mass unemployment. Sir Philip Green has promised shop fronts “so empty you can see your face in them!”
It is understood that he had been inspired to take this next step into the retail market after seeing how profitable the sale of BHS for £1 was for him personally. “I realised that if I could make £586 million from selling my integrity along with BHS for just a quid, then what could I make if I also sold my sense of shame, morality and humanity? And maybe Dorothy Perkins. I could be a trillionaire by Christmas and maybe then my mother will finally love me.”