Stars Desperate To Say They’re Friends With Johnny Depp Before It’s Unacceptable To Be Friends With Johnny Depp

Celebrities, actors and other stars from the entertainment industry are lining up to announce in tweets, blogs and news articles that they are friends with Johnny Depp, fearing that such admissions will soon be unacceptable. This follows news that Amber Heard has been granted a restraining order against the actor for domestic violence and so may soon be only considered cool by online trolls and Mel Gibson.

Bill McGlerio spoke exclusively to Islington Echo. “I was an English soldier extra in the first Pirates of the Caribbean film. Johnny Depp and I became super close, even though we didn’t have any scenes together. There was this one time when Johnny was about to throw a half-eaten salt beef sandwich in the bin and I was all ‘don’t throw it away – I’ll take it!’ because I figured I could get at least £30 for it on eBay. Then he was all ‘oh sure, yeah I know you extras don’t get very good craft services.’ So then he sat down with me and watched me eat this whole sandwich. He’d had a cold that day and his saliva was all over it. It was gross, but also the best day of my life. We became best buds like that, even though we never saw each other for the rest of the shoot. He’d not even met Amber at that point, so he definitely can’t have been abusing her. That’s all I’m saying. I know for a fact that he was not abusing her in 2002.”


Photo Credit “Edward  Scissorhands” 

Lucy Haninugh also wished to speak to us about her good friend, Johnny Depp.”I was in charge of Johnny Depp’s pedicures for the duration of shooting Mortdecai. I’m a woman and he never threw an iPhone at my face. Not even once. He did once kick me in the chin, but that was when I was filing his toenails and he was watching a cat video that made him laugh. But that was the only time and it was an accident! There’s one thing lots of people don’t understand and this is important and I know because Johnny Depp was already with Amber Heard when he was filming Mortdecai. Amber Heard is less famous than Johnny Depp. She has never worn a funny moustache and been in a great film with laughs for all the family. Not once. It’s just something to remember, really. If it’s proved in a court of law that he did abuse her, you know – more clearly than her just getting a legal document forbidding him from going near her – then please come back to me because I can say I always knew Amber was a great girl. But for now, she’s not as famous as Johnny Depp. And so the fact she once borrowed a bronze nail varnish from me doesn’t really matter, because nobody will care at my next dinner party.”

Meanwhile, Jazz LeFurg – a runner for The Lone Ranger – told us, “I will stand by my good friend, Johnny Depp, for the whole time it is still socially acceptable to do so. I’ve always been a good and faithful friend in the press for as long as it has been in my interest. Just ask Chris Brown or Bill Crosby. Both of them will tell you straight. I stuck by them through thick and thin; through all the tweets. Right through to the end until the court of public opinion made it super awkward for me to keep appearing on news talk shows. I’ve never met Amber but I can tell she’s no good. I haven’t seen Johnny Depp, except on TV, since we wrapped on Lone Ranger, but I definitely think there’s been a sadness in his eyes ever since he started with her. Did you see that apology he did about Australia and his dogs? I knew something wasn’t right. That wasn’t the Johnny Depp who said “excuse me” as he brushed past me that one time on set. She’s broken his soul. But you know what? If Johnny Depp becomes a spoilt egg then it will be fine, because he’s white and was really good in some of his films. He’ll come back around and then I’ll be available to do the “Depp Comeback” interviews. Just ask my good friend, Sean Penn. Johnny can see this through.”

When reached for comment, Johnny Depp’s publicists told us they had never heard of any of these people.


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