LEAKED: David Cameron’s Draft Speech On Migrants

As Prime Minister of this country, I am given a lot of difficult tasks from meetings with ambassadors, to approving controversial reports, to letting Gideon know when he’s got cocaine on his nose. One of the things I gladly don’t have to do much of is apologise and admit I was wrong. Normally, this is because I get a six month notice period when something is going to hit the fan, so I always transfer Michael Gove to that department and let him take the flogging. But today, I am the one who has to apologise. I am the one who has to say sorry.

Photo Credit: Mortiz Hagar

Photo Credit: Mortiz Hagar

I usually avoid watching current affairs programmes or Youtube videos. These days, it’s normally Peppa Pig with my son and then The Good Wife with Sam to keep her on the straight and narrow. Today I accidentally watched a Youtube which featured the Calais migrants. I am ashamed to admit that until today I had not realised they were actual human people. I was aware they were very similar to humans in many ways – somewhat like dolphins or minotaurs. I didn’t know they actually were humans.

I’d never knowingly met any migrants. In my head they were the same as the giant squid. I read about them a lot in the news but I had no point of reference; I couldn’t visualise them and the thought of looking at pictures of them made me feel sea sick. I’ve been informed that I have in fact met some migrants in the past. Sam tells me that the man who fitted our new kitchen tiles was born in Somalia, so technically he’s a migrant apparently. Anyone whose accent isn’t perfectly received English I just can never understand, so I had assumed he was working class.

And yes, on the campaign trail I’d be introduced to nurses and doctors and teachers and they would say things like “I came here from Poland” or “I’m from Thailand”, but I always thought they were just talking about a recent holiday, or where they’re legally based for tax purposes. After all this time I had no idea I was actually standing face to face with migrants; they look just like normal humans and they are not dolphin minotaur hybrids.

Furthermore, I would like to apologise profusely for my comments about them being a swarm. Firstly, dolphins actually travel in groups called pods. Only insects and birds can swarm; I should have paid more attention to that David Attenborough documentary. Secondly, given that migrants are in fact homo sapiens and not dolphins, the word “group of people” would have been far more appropriate.

I truly hope this little misunderstanding will shed some more light on some of my actions of the past. For example, the Campsfield Refugee Detention Centre. People refer to it as being like a prison. I’ve never visited it, but the pictures I saw made it look like a perfectly reasonable place to house hundreds of minotaur dolphin type beings. I thought all they’d need was a light airy barn with some straw bedding. Now I realise that migrants are in fact humans, of course they need far better facilities.

When people came to me and demanded we take unaccompanied migrant children, I was confused. They kept saying “take the unaccompanied minors!” At first I was quite excited as I had often wondered what the word for baby minotaur was – ‘minors must be the name for baby minotaurs! How cool’, I thought. Then I thought – no, no no. We do not have the space for thousands of baby minotaurs. How big would your cat flap need to be to accommodate a minotaur, no matter how small it is? Now I realise by “unaccompanied minors” they meant “unaccompanied human children people”. I believe that with the right funding we will of course be able to care for them.

What this slight error in understanding has highlighted to me, though, is that these migrant humans and minors need our help and are very vulnerable. In fact, some of them are both migrants and disabled. Which in turn has also lead me to discover that disabled people are also human beings; once again, I had no idea. I am sorry. I hope my nation will forgive me and from now on we shall be accepting more of these migrant human people and children.

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