Today marked a milestone for Twitter user @jojobalooo as the 20,000th person fell down a massive well at jojobalooo’s request. jojobalooo – real name Jo Hobbs – first tweeted in 2009 that she wished Simon Cowell would “fall down a massive well” after he voted against Jedward on the X Factor. Mr Cowell acquiesced and has been living in said well ever since. Numbers in the well had been increasing slowly and up until a few weeks ago was hovering around the 11,000 mark, however a recent tweet wishing that “everyone involved in the #panamapapers and tax evasion would fall down a massive fucking well” saw the population leap to 20,000. It is understood that the well is not in breach of any EU directives. Whilst conditions in the well are dark and insanitary, it is surprisingly spacious, Ms Hobbs says, on account of how bloody massive it is.
Whilst Simon Cowell was the first inhabitant, he was quickly joined by Joe McElderry after he beat Olly Murs to win the X Factor. Over the last few years, various celebrities have also moved into the well, including Kim Jong Il, Chris Moyles and Pippa Middleton. The only person who has been given permission to leave the well is Jeremy Clarkson, who entered the well after his racist comments about Irish travellers, but was let out again after everyone gave him a hard time about punching his producer. His exit required a formal retraction on her Twitter account as she had previously said “I wish Jeremy Clarkson would fall down a well and never get out.” After the fracas, she tweeted “OK, enough Jeremy bashing. It’s OK Jeremy. You can come out of the well now.”
It is understood that some of the inhabitants of the well she now entirely regrets pushing in. For example, her ex boyfriend Adam has had a great time in the well, because she had forgotten that the week previously she had wished Adam’s new girlfriend would fall down a well. It is thought Adam and his girlfriend are expecting their first child any day now. It is quite convenient, Adam tells us, as the doctor from This Morning lives in the well and has been attending to his girlfriend throughout the pregnancy. Their child will be the first “well-baby” and marks the first step towards population increase from birth, as opposed to relying solely on immigration to the well.
With the well population continuing to grow, Ms Hobbs intends to bring in a point-based system to determine how worthy someone is to fall in her well.
Ms Hobbs has gone public with her well as she has taken issue with the number of people who use the phrase “there isn’t a well deep enough”. She would like the public to know that there is a well deep enough; her well. And she is very proud of it. She will be taking legal action against anyone who insists that there is not a well deep enough for their enemies to fall down.