In the light of recent agreements between TFL and the capital’s tube drivers, Islington Echo has been exclusively leaked the first draft of Mayor Boris Johnson’s victory speech:
“I am delighted to be here today to announce that we have reached an agreement with those Union types who were holding back our vision for London. More specifically, my vision for London. Because what we have achieved today goes far beyond the Night Tube. What we have agreed today is just one step in my journey to force working class and poor people underground for all hours of the day. For a long while, Night Tube was just my penis’ nickname, but now it will symbolize what is great about London.
Firstly, we should not forget what a great contribution the tube drivers have made to this vision. I always have the utmost respect for drivers of any kind. Our chauffeur growing up was just like a member of the family. When I was a young man, learning to drive never seemed that essential as I would either be driven by someone else or I would just ride a horse to wherever I needed to be. I’m sure this is something that a lot of London can empathise with. As such, we do appreciate the necessity of drivers in the city of London. Furthermore, they are the most adorable group of people I’ve ever encountered, which was why it was quite painful to personally vilify them in the press. They seemed to expect a correlation between hardwork and reward, as if that was the way this city worked. Just so cute. I tried my best and I think the fact that we finally reached an agreement is a true testament to how good I am at wearing people’s morale into the ground.
Speaking of things being in the ground, let me now take this opportunity to truly explain what I hope my lasting London legacy will be.
With the advent of Uber in the city, the desirables of the city were incentivized to travel above ground more frequently and therefore freeing up more space for the great unwashed using the underground; out of sight and where they belong. I personally only go underground when there’s a bunker involved – be that a bunker for war or for sex. Meanwhile, by slowly destroying the regulated taxi firms we can successfully break down the self-worth of a group of working class people whose chattiness has always suggested to me that they believe I should listen to them. It’s gross and has no place in my city.
Secondly, by strategically not placing any Boris Bikes – sorry, “Santander” (blame the fucking EU for that one) – docking stations near any non-gentrified areas, we have ensured that the only people who can realistically have access to one of these cycles will be of a certain standard of human. The rest will have to go deep underground if they want any hope of getting across the city quickly.
Place this in the context of the Emirates Air Line cable car. I was so inspired by an early screening of the film Jurassic World. You know the scene when the children travel through the dinosaur park in a glass orb? I thought – what if I could bring this to London and make it like a moving museum of poor people? So that’s what I did. I priced the cable car out of reach for an average family, so that rich families can watch poor people from the sky. I think museums are so important in this city for broadening the mind. By enabling this safe space for the rich children of today to observe the poor, I really hope I’ve inspired the next generation of wealth to really consider why and how it is that they are so much better than the working class.
Meanwhile, I’ve spent a pretty penny or two on new buses that are not cost-effective in the slightest. It’s great because I called them Routemasters so people would feel nostalgic and be resistant to any criticism; the same logic applies to 1970s TV presenters. Not only will buses continue to be hammered by congestion on the roads (hampered, no doubt, by an increase in cyclists), but I am also plunging the bus system into debt. The brilliance of this is that this will lead to cuts, inevitably. As such, those miscreants who would usually use the bus will be more likely to use the underground. Add this to the fact that the Nightbus will become less desirable compared to the Nighttube, we can in fact force all the poor people underground for huge portions of the day and the night!
This leads to my next step; building exclusive luxury high-rises and knocking down or gentrifying any high-rise buildings used for social housing. Let me explain, I want to make London a physical manifestation of the social hierarchy that I believe the world should operate through.
What I have created is a system in which the poor will be forced further and further out of the city; if they intend to get into London they must do so by travelling underground like ants. Meanwhile, the rich will rise and rise and rise until they are looking over all the poor beneath them. Only they shall have access to being above ground. Then – and only then – shall London achieve eudaimonia.”