Health News: Eat A Bloody Cornish Pasty And Get On With Your Life

A group of nutrition doctors and specialists have finally completed a thirty year study examining every single dietary study published in peer reviewed journals. After compiling all the data, dietary recommendations, sample sizes and results; this was both fed into IBM’s Wilson super computer and also examined manually by the team of specialists. Both IBM Wilson and the specialists came to the same, definitive conclusion: eat a bloody Cornish pasty and get on with your life.

Photo credit: David Johnson

Photo credit: David Johnson

Both the specialists and IBM Wilson discovered that there is absolutely no consistency across any of the studies except for the one, irrevocable truth that we are all hurtling towards the eternal darkness of harrowing death.

We spoke to one of the lead specialists, Doctor Sanjeev Harrow of Caledonian Road, who told us, “It’s a bit of a catch 22 because everything you eat will eventually kill you, whilst also stopping you from dying by starvation until the point that you actually die. So, if you’re going to die from both eating and not eating then you might as well just eat because it’s one of the few pleasures we have in this godforsaken cesspit we call modern civilization.”

His sentiments were echoed by nutrition expert Carla LaMonde who told us, “Yeah. When you think about all the other things that are going to kill you like ebola, ISIS, total organ failure… even a cold could be the end of you when you think about it. I mean, just have a bloody cornish pasty and get on with your life. Let’s not forget that stress is also a big killer and contributor to diseases like cancer and heart disease and those other ones that people do marathons in aid of. So, if you’re going to stress about eating right then you’re still bloody killing yourself. Just stop it. Here – I’ve got a voucher for the Cornish Pasty Company. It’s only valid for the one at Victoria station, but just take it. Trust me, I’m a doctor.”

Several newspapers have now reported on this story claiming that Cornish Pasties are the only way to avoid total obliteration of humanity, which has lead to a sharp rise in cornish pasty sales. Dr Harrow wished to state, “No a bloody cornish pasty will still both kill you and not kill you. They taste good. That’s why you should eat them. You will still die. You will still cease to exist and become ash and atoms which mingle with the rest of the pointless gas in the atmosphere.”

 

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