News that the highest levels of professional tennis has been smeared by accusations of match fixing has delighted thousands of British citizens who can now pin their dislike of tennis on moral grounds, as well as the fact that it is boring and Britain is shit at it.
“People often accused me of being unpatriotic when I said that I thought Wimbledon was a crock of shite and Andy Murray had the resting face of a bored child in a school assembly,” said Lucy Kratz of Cross Street, “But now I can be all like ‘um no I don’t like any sport that I cannot trust due to allegations of institutional corruption, bitch’. And that’ll sound way better.” She then followed with, “That being said, Andy Murray is still a national treasure and I don’t wish to sound accusing of him at all. I might hate tennis but I do like Sports Personality of the Year on BBC.”
Harry Duke, of Braes Street, told Islington Echo, “I don’t like tennis because it’s boring. If anything, the fact that there’s an element of scandal involved means the sport has gone up a bit in my estimation. I don’t really get how anyone can get so excited about tennis that they’d bother to bribe someone. It seems stupid to me. But still, at least now when someone’s all ‘hey why aren’t you watching the match?’ I can be all up on a moral high horse about it.”
Lance Jamiroquai, of the Worldwide Ping Pong Association, told Islington Echo, “This kind of behaviour is unacceptable in any sport. We’ve never quite understood the appeal of tennis, or ‘Giant Ping Pong’ as we like to call it, but these revelations will hopefully lead more people to take up normal sized ping pong like adults.”