A study from The University of Oxford has revealed that cats give their owners names. Most interestingly, the study found that almost all cats gave their owner the same name, “Mewruhhhhew”, which has been definitively translated as “Twat”.
This places cats in the ranks among dolphins as some of the only animal species known to have advanced enough language to be able to identify different people and other cats by specific names. There have been some variations on the name “Twat”. Some cats called their owners by the name ‘Mewruhewewew” which translates as “Sir Twats A Lot” or “Mewmewruhewewewew” which translates as “Humingtons Twat the Third”. Less commonly, the name “Miaowmewmow” was used which is understood as “Fucking Dickbrain”. This is marked contrast to when humans who are not the cat’s owner turns up. These people tend to be referred to as “Mewhewruhhhmew”, which means “Unknown Twat”.
The news will no doubt come as a great joy to cat owners up and own the nation who have insisted for years that they genuinely have a special bond with their owners. This confirms that their truly is no more precious a relationship than that between Twat and Cat.
The study was conducted by studying cat brainwaves and motions, as well as using a linguistics expert to help decode the words the cats were using. Other phrases translated included “Feed me, Twat” and “I’ve shat outside the litterbox. Take that, you massive Twat.”